So last week, I saw the so-called Lord of the Rings musical. As you may have heard, critics are divided. (Here’s an excellent, if somewhat Brit-slanted roundup. The AP review is here.) Well, not exactly divided.

American stage reviewers (who aren’t yours truly) seem pretty uniformly opposed to the massive hobbit pageant now unfolding in Toronto. True, the show is musically indifferent and dramatically muddy. Its target mood is one of pleasant, meditative detachment, more of a languid boat trip down the Anduin than a ripping dash across Rohan. Its gestalt I hereby dub “Enya-esque.” Clearly, that’s not what most critics expected for an orc-ish $25 million in front money (the most ever banked on a North American stage production).