As I write these words, dear readers, my stomach growls. It growls because it is bidden, and it is bidden by Rupert. Giant Rupert. Right outside my window.

You know Rupe -- deli owner, Late Show with David Letterman neighbor, skit star, and frequent irony-avatar. Well, unbeknownst to me (I've been using my Letterman time to watch Samurai Champloo-or-equivalent on Cartoon Network), Dave gave Rupert a present: a billboard right outside my building, aping a Rod Stewart ad that had previously occupied the same spot for a long time. Such a long time, in fact, that I didn't notice the change: Rupe is in Rod's pose, and I'm easily fooled. Yesterday, someone points the switcheroo out to me, and honestly, folks, I'm changed. I crave thinly sliced turkey and Russian dressing. I fantasize about chips and pickles. I post on craigslist, seeking a midday marbled rye.

Hello Deli is right around the corner from EW, but relations between this magazine and Rupert chilled somewhat after he discontinued "The Entertainment Weekly" sandwich, an admittedly ghastly Dagwood of honey mustard, turkey, and slaw. But now? EW Hello Deli consumption is up again (though no force on earth can compel me to try "The Paul Shaffer").

What does it say about me that even an ironic meta-billboard can make my stomach rumble? The flesh -- especially the flesh that sits in this chair, halfheartedly embracing vegetarianism while trying to generate American Idol puns -- is indeed weak.