Guys, close that Nerve profile with the bespectacled "hipster hottie" who keeps Finnegan's Wake on her bedstand and promises exotic sexual gymnastics she has no intention of performing. Have I got a girl for you!

Single White Harpy, 67, famous, plasticine social critic ISO powerful, rich schmuck for long walks in the rain (okay, short walks--I melt) and photo ops. Must enjoy awards shows and red carpets, and find on-air crackups charming. Must have sense of humor and be resistant to benzine. (I sweat benzine.) Must not team up with daughter to smother me in my sleep.